In the latest Funny or Die.com short, Heidi Montag speaks out about the horrors of having to pay for plastic surgery with a credit card.

The blond star of “The Hills” talks about some of her recent surgeries, Lauren Conrad, and most importantly, how you can contact your senator to push bank and credit card reform.

Did anyone see the phone number to call? I got distracted about 6 seconds in…

For about two and a half decades now, professional finger-waggers have found a decent niche for themselves in the flourishing sexual harassment industry from which they can rail-against the loathsome scourge of men who inadvertently cast appreciative glances upon the figures of women co-workers. So the MacKinnonite theory goes: If that form of rampant delinquency is ever-assiduously rooted-out and punished severely enough, it will prod everyone towards a more respectful workplace in which the first thought that enters a man’s mind when seeing a provocatively dressed, pouty-lipped woman sporting a bod that won’t quit will be: “Great accounting degree!” rather than: “Great legs!”

In my guts, I suspect that could only be attained when the last shreds of human instinct are beaten-out of existence via unimaginably powerful bureaucratic apparatuses which regulate every facet of life and constantly hold the hammer of punishment over people’s heads. Just imagine what kind of Utopian workplace that would turn-out to be, eh? Plus, it’ll work-out swell for the people holding the hammer.

But until that marvelous day arrives, us folks will have to make do with, shall we say, less-than-ideal palliatives. (Hallelujah!) And on that note, famed actress Marion Cotillard is on the case to inform us of an elegant solution to the age-old problem of getting those meatheads to look you in the eyes instead of at your juggs.

Best of all, it has NOTHING to do with you closing up the topmost buttons on your blouse so that the lacy edges of your bra don’t tantalizingly peek-out. That’s a ridiculous idea and there’s no reason you should ever considering doing that as long as you live. Ever. Pretty please? So purge that heresy from your silly little head immediately.

Right. Instead, you ought to consider getting a pair of Forehead Tittaes™ by Janae, which is a far more sensible thing to do. Plus, it sounds French. Or Walloon. Or something.

Let’s watch!

Simple. Elegant. Sensible. Buy some for yourself and for all your friends.

Hmm. You know… I think I might’ve seen a pair of those being worn by some background characters in a particularly cheap episode of Babylon 5 one time.

At the Academy Awards after party this past Sunday, two awards for best cleavage definitely should have been given to Christina Hendricks and Katy Perry.

Ladies, we applaud you.

Some other ladies not shy about showing off their ample assets on the red carpet included Mariah Carey, Hilary Swank, Vanessa Hudgens, Stacey Dash, and Amber Rose.

Who was your favorite breast dressed celebrity of the evening?

…FOR PORN!

(Watch the vid to get the joke.)

A local ad firm in Colorado Springs has nixed a bus shelter promotion for a touring production of the raunchy comedy Avenue Q because– are you sitting down? –the poster showed puppet cleavage.

And, I don’t know, that kind of view might upset some Puritanical old fuddy-duddy out there.

Right. Because maybe a poster like that would be found objectionable by, I don’t know, the sanctimonious Reverend Bubba Flavel in Porky’s II. Or the joy-killing Dean Vernon Wormer in Animal House. Or Dana Carvey’s lemon-faced Church Lady. Somebody of that temperament might get bothered by it. And the results of that could be… catastrophic.

Use your imagination, people! It could really happen!

Anyway, the cleavage in question belongs to Lucy the Slut, the lounge-singing hussy who comes perilously close to wrecking the uneasy, budding relationship between the protagonists Princeton and Kate Monster in what has to be the hottest muppet-sex scene in the entire history of live theater.

Adding to the galloping silliness of this decision, if someone is going to be shocked or offended by the poster in question, they would be well advised to abstain from the whole freakin’ performance altogether. In fact, perhaps they ought to move into some shack way up in the Rockies where the risk of any inflammatory imagery will be much, much lower.

Former Playboy magazine model  Kendra Wilkinson wants a breast reduction, but is worried ex-boyfriend Hugh Hefner would be “mad.”

Kendra got breast implants in her teens to help her career as a topless model, but since having her first child, Hank, her boobs have grown even larger.

Even though ‘Hef’ will be disappointed, Kendra vows to go under the knife if her boobs don’t deflate to their regular size after the baby weight is gone.

“If my boobs don’t shrink, I would consider a breast reduction. Hef would be kind of mad, but it’s time for a change,” she told the US edition of OK! magazine.

Kendra has lost some weight in the eight weeks since she gave birth, and is planning on losing more. But even if her boobs do get back to their normal state, with much sadness, Kendra will never be gracing the pages of Playboy again.

[ From: stuff.co.nz ]

Heidi Montag, who underwent 10 plastic surgery procedures in November, has reportedly accepted a $500,000 offer to pose completely nude for Playboy.

The Hills star told Radar Online at a Valentine’s party in Las Vegas that she “[is] doing Playboy again… soon, very soon.” She added, “I cannot wait to show off my new assets, I am very excited.”

The 23 year old aspiring pop star was partly covered in her first Playboy shoot last September, but is now ready to reveal her new triple-D’s in the flesh.

Once her second shoot is done, the reality star has vowed to go under the knife again to get even larger breasts, because the the cup size she wanted (H-for Heidi?) – wouldn’t fit! 

Dolly Parton is turning her life into a movie, but the leading lady has yet to be announced.

The country singer, 64, told chat show host Alan Titchmars, “I’m working on my life story, not decided if it’s going to be a musical or a movie with music in it.”

“I’ve not thought about who will play me – but we need someone little. And if they don’t have enough up top we’ll have to give them a big old boob job,” she said.

Dolly is no stranger to the big screen and has starred in several films, including Nine to Five, Steel Magnolias and The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

Any actresses out there looking for work?

For shits and giggles, and because global human culture clearly reached its peak in the late 1990s, here’s an ad from the ‘97 SuperBowl.

Based on what you hear, maybe you might imagine it to be some kind of early MasterCard commercial. But it most certainly ain’t:

Just to add a familiar face, that goofy-looking guy is none other than Steve Hytner, who you may remember as “Kenny Bania” from Seinfeld:

The latest edition of Us Weekly reports that Bachelor contestant Vienna Girardi (this season’s villain) withdrew her ex-husband Josh Riley’s last $5,000 from his bank account to pay for breast implants while he was deployed in Iraq with the Marines.

“She took every bit of his money,” Girardi’s former mother-in-law Gale Riley told Us Weekly in a Wednesday report.

When Riley returned from his tour of duty (he was injured in Iraq during an explosion), Girardi had locked all his belongings in storage and would not reveal the location.

The poor guy also discovered that while he was in Iraq she had slept with one of his buddies that he was deployed with. After only 10 months of wedlock, Riley told Us Weekly, “Marrying her was a mistake.”

Any advice for Bachelor Jake Pavelka, who is rumored to choose Girardi on the March 1st finale? “I’d rather not comment,” Riley said. “I’d like to forget.”

Since General Larry Platt’s “Pants On The Ground” has become quite the YouTube sensation, there have been many renditions of the ridiculous tune. Now comedian and late night talk show host Wanda Sykes has gotten in on the action with her own version, “Boobs Out Cha Blouse.” With so many catchy tunes, I see a Mamma Gram and Platt mash-up in the near future…