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Without a doubt, everybody is out enjoying their summers. On a hot day, who doesn’t love an ice cream at the beach, complete with a breast-related gag?

For those of you who don’t feel like translating it from the Russian, the dialogue goes a bit like this:

Fuzzy dude: Are they real?
Anna: They’re real.
Fuzzy dude: Wow, can I try them?
Voice-over: Ekzo ice cream with REAL berries! Etc! Etc!

Well, it’s not exactly a laugh-riot but, you have to admit, it’s a pretty nice rack indeed.

Ironically, the boobs of the babe in question, Anna Semenovich, a skater-turned-actress, are most certainly not “real” if these before and after pictures are any evidence.

But it wasn’t all fun and games making this commercial, you know. It was plagued by production problems starting from Day 1.

They’re always after her Lucky Charms, hur hur hur!

I can’t help but feel sorry for the two weenies behind the chair. Honestly, dudes, you’re doing it all wrong. You’re putting her on a pedestal when, judging by the pile of wrappers, she obviously has a compulsive eating disorder which practically screams: “filthy, self-destructive, psycho-chick with daddy issues and low self-esteem.” And, let me tell you, I have plenty of experience in attracting girls like that. As it happens, there’s an official E-Recommended Wayâ„¢ of approaching this kind of woman on the beach and it goes a little like this:

Step one: Look your best. Wear some cool-looking shades. Comb your hair. Suck-in that gut. Wipe that smirk off your face, mister. Don’t you dare roll your eyes at me, young man! You’ll never get anywhere in life with that kind of attitude. Now, as for your swim trunks, I would recommend that you wear a leathery, fur-lined loincloth reminiscent of what Marc Singer wore in the unforgettable 1982 film Beastmaster. And finally, to give you the tantalizing aura of a rakish, devil-may-care outlaw, I suggest using a blue magic marker to draw some prison-tats up and down your arms. Those look badass, dude.

Step two: Women absolutely adore a man who is brimming with confidence. When you see the hot chick licking the ice cream, you need to wipe every trace of doubt and hesitation from your mind. So it’s a really good idea to throw-back a couple of whiskey sours first. And, if you’re anything like me, you’ve been doing that since breakfast. E’s Magic Courage Juiceâ„¢ is what I like to call it. In fact, why not carry-around a thermos full of it everyplace you go? It’ll be like your new best friend!

Step three: Women love a man with a sense of humor and it’s important to demonstrate this immediately. Saunter casually up, coolly slip-off your sunglasses and say to her in the most masculine voice you can muster: “Yo babe, didya hear the joke about the two Swedish hookers going to the Dalai Lama’s hotel room?” This will instantly grab her attention, showcase your wit and have her look up at you in wide-eyed anticipation. (Note: This joke may not be the best opening line if you’re dealing with a Tibetan girl. But Swedish hookers always seem to find the punchline hilarious, though. Go figure?)

Step four: Here is the important part. Now that you’ve got her interest, this is the perfect time to throw a fistful of sand into her eyes. This will blind her and cause her to scream in searing pain. And THAT, my friends, is the right moment to pry the ice-cream bar away from her weak girly-hands and run away, cackling in fiendish laughter like Doctor Claw.

Step five: Make sure there’s a friend in an idling get-away vehicle within 50 meters. Preferably, he will be driving a Monster Truck with rocket boosters and flame-throwers. Hop-in, ride that baby south and don’t stop for anything until you hit Mexico.

It’s all pretty straightforward, if you ask me.

…

Oh come on, don’t make that prissy face at me. If you can think of a better way to spend your day at the beach, I’d love to hear it.